214

It's important not to lose one's mind over the future.
I sit on a lawn chair on the patio
and peer over the backyard's freshly mowed lawn.
The dependable breeze blows from the gulf.
I strum my guitar and breathe deeply.
I think of those intubated patients struggling
to inhale against all odds.
Blackbirds and white wing doves flit from tree to tree.
If I had a bb-gun, I would practice my aim.
I have no love for birds
although I would never shoot a hummingbird.
They are sacred.
Plus, they are too small and quick.
I am alone. I'm used to being alone.
I wish I loved being alone. It would make life easier.
Relationships seem to be the beginning of the end.
The intoxicating highs culminate in abysmal lows.
Even among family members,
they never seem to conclude well.
The person who relishes his solitary existence
has conquered the unknown.
It's the closest approximation to the Zen mind.
I am aware of nothingness,
but I haven't learned to live within nothingness.
This state of mind goes against our upbringing.
We are raised to seek
materialistic and physical satisfaction,
even if they go against our best interests.
Death is the ultimate teacher.
The Grim Reaper is our constant companion
lurking in the dark.
This impersonal spirit teaches us
the futility of clinging to anything.
It's lessons are extreme and implacable.
But it's difficult to argue
with a full stomach and a good screw.
I never forget for a second that I am 99.99% animal.
We can never escape our appetites and lusts.
Therefore, this effort to transcend our instinctual selves
is a futile undertaking.
In the descending obscurity I contemplate my reality,
Where am I? Who am I?
I don't know except that I want to keep living.
I think of my sons who have departed on their own destinies.
I think of the books I want to read,
the languages I want to learn,
the songs I want to sing,
the countries I want to visit
and the other pursuits
eluding my grasp.
Descartes: "I think; therefore, I am."
Socrates: "I know that I know nothing."
I'm a product of both philosophies.
I'm also a product of two parents
who believed I could be anything I wanted.
I pray that I haven't disappointed them.
I have never forsaken,
even in my worst mental moments,
the simple pleasures.
They are carrots at the end of the stick;
they keep me trudging forward. 
We must lose our mind in the moment. 

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