TRUMP THE TERRIBLE

Mother's birthday was today. Or maybe yesterday. I'm not sure. I have never forgotten the date of my father's birthday--January 13. But I'm confused about my mother's birthday except I recall it as an even number. I don't think it is March 26. I'm torn between March 24 and March 28. For many years my siblings and I never knew the exact year of her birth. She would refuse to tell us. We knew that my father was born in 1925, but my mother would only intimate that it might have been 1932. There were aunts on both sides of the family who dismissed that year as untrue. She was older they would insist. It wasn't until late in life that she confessed the truth. She was born in 1930, which means she is 90 as she begins her tenth decade, her health steady. She lives immured in a small house that resembles a cottage in the country embellished by the same flowers whose ancestors bloomed when I was a child. I am the oldest of the eight siblings. I was born December ...

J ack O'Connell, the great unpublished novelist, is keeping a low profile these days, but once a week he escapes his lonely apartment and drives to Estanislao Contreras' house where they sit on the latter's back porch, smoke dope, drink beer and shoot the shit. Since there are no sports to discuss these days and they have called Trump every name in the book, sex becomes the subject du jour. "Are you still humping that cute Matamoros nurse?" asks Jack. "Nope," replies the controversial poet of Chicano Fuck Songs. "How 'bout that chick at The Broken Sprocket?" "Nope." "And the widow?" "Nope." "It's just you and the wife?" "Yep." "Have you told her the good news?" "There might be a backlash if I were to break her the news of my newfound fidelity." "You're right. Why the sudden change in your life? I thought you were addicted to strange pussy?" "Coronav...

Olivia, who has been showing an increasing concern as the news grows more dire with people dropping like flies in New York and Coronavirus invading Cameron County while Trump gesticulates wildly that he is innocent, seemed more perturbed than usual as was discernible in her concentrated countenance. "What's the matter, honey," I asked as I savored an early afternoon beer while tuning my guitar. "We are down to our last roll of toilet paper and the store shelves are empty," she huffed. "You need to follow my example." "I can only imagine but tell me anyway." "You remember that I was suffering from hemorrhoids, right?" "How can I forget!!! I mistook your balls for hemorrhoids." "Besides eating the wrong foods that irritate my exit, there are particles of shit that remain in your asshole that no amount of wiping can eliminate. I don't know the exact matter I stumbled upon the solution, but after I flush, I thoroughly...

I was standing at the bar at Cobbleheads when I saw owner Joe Kenney walking past. I grabbed him by the bicep. "Pretty flabby for a guy from Phillly," I said. "Fuck you, Sully," snapped Joe before continuing with that goofy accent. "What do you want?" "I didn't get a chance to wish you Happy St. Patrick's Day! I'd pinch you on the butt since you're not wearing green, but you have a lousy lookin' ass. Let's toast the San Patricio Battalion." "A bunch of filthy traitors," spat Joe. "General Scott should have hung all the bastards instead of branding the majority of them." "You were in the Herald saying that Mexico and the United States had special ties as a result of these Irishmen switching sides in a war that Abraham Lincoln criticized as imperialism run amok." "It's all about business," confessed Joe. "I can't express my true sentiments about those Benedict Arnolds. I h...

L ike a hound pointing to its game, the Spring Breaker followed his boner to his condo with the blond co-ed in tow. She had stepped up to the beer bong thrice and could barely walk. He led her into his room and stripped her of her thong as if he were peeling a banana. He was soon straddling her when he stopped an inch short of entering her shaved pussy. "I must confess something," he said. "What?" she slurred. "I have tested positive for HIV." "Have you tested positive for Coronavirus?" she asked. "No." "Then let's fuck, cowboy!!!" 

I get it. COVID-19 is such a health risk that we are willing to concede our liberties. Plenty of life-long atheists have requested the last rites on their death beds. Stark realities work a cruel magic. I am as much a coward as the next guy. Paranoia is part of our DNA. It keeps us alive. Generally, it prevents us from making stupid decisions. Since I don't know anyone nor do I know anyone who has known anyone who has contracted Coronavirus, we have doubts about its lethalness. In Cameron County we have had 50 confirmed positives and no deaths. This is among a population of approximately 600,000. New York City has had 85,000 cases with 2,000 deaths. Texas has 4,700 confirmed cases with 70 deaths, the country has 240,000 confirmed cases with 6,000 deaths and the world has eclipsed one million confirmed cases with more than 50,000 deaths. The Spanish flu, which gripped the world from 2018 to 2020, claimed from 20 to 100 million deaths--nobody knows for sure. Our president accepted on...