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Olivia, who has been showing an increasing concern as the news grows more dire with people dropping like flies in New York and Coronavirus invading Cameron County while Trump gesticulates wildly that he is innocent, seemed more perturbed than usual as was discernible in her concentrated countenance.

"What's the matter, honey," I asked as I savored an early afternoon beer while tuning my guitar.

"We are down to our last roll of toilet paper and the store shelves are empty," she huffed.

"You need to follow my example."

"I can only imagine but tell me anyway."

"You remember that I was suffering from hemorrhoids, right?"

"How can I forget!!! I mistook your balls for hemorrhoids."

"Besides eating the wrong foods that irritate my exit, there are particles of shit that remain in your asshole that no amount of wiping can eliminate. I don't know the exact matter I stumbled upon the solution, but after I flush, I thoroughly wash my anus with the clean toilet water. I haven't had a burning case of hemorrhoids since I implemented this strategy."

"Excuse my French, but you are fucking nauseating. And you're touching me!"

"There is the poor person's bidet."

"What is that, pray tell, as I follow you deeper down the rabbit hole."

"Use the garden hose. I would recommend that you use the one in the backyard rather than the frontyard. The neighbors might become of jealous of me."

"Can't you stop with the bullshit for once in your life? I can understand the reasons your critics argue that you have no credibility. Nothing but ridiculous crap pours from your foul mouth. I'm serious. Do you expect your children to follow your example? What would they think if they knew their father was wiping his ass with his hands?"

"Let's brainstorm. There are napkins, paper plates, coffee filters, newspapers, socks with holes in their heels, old T-shirts, dish cloths, blood-splattered and sperm-stain sheets ripped into rags, Whataburger wrappers, cardboard, tin foil."

"Tin foil!?!?" she exclaimed.

"Just like women wash their pussies and reuse them, you could use the same piece of tin foil multiple times."

"My mother was right! You're sick! Get off your lazy ass and shop until you find toilet paper. We can't go on like this."

"Have you thought about worthless pesos or tamale husks?"

"Either you get off your lazy ass and get us toilet paper or you and your worthless prick will be permanently exiled to the sofa."

"I'm going, I'm going, I'm going."

And like Don Pedro, out he went. 

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