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"Mad" Tad Hasse, the rabid Republican who unabashedly says that he is Donald Trump's bastard son, took the President on a tour of Brownsville when the President started complaining about cabin fever.

"He told me that since it's his First Amendment right to discard a mask, reject social distancing and encourage large crowds, he insisted that it was his right to request a drive around Brownsville and nobody had the right to stop him, not even I," said Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss who is Trump's principle physician while he is hospitalized at Brownsville's Valley Baptist Medical Center.

"I called former County Judge Caslos Cascos and asked him if he would like to escort Trump around Brownsville. He answered that the antipathy toward Trump was so raw that he would be risking his political future should he choose to run against County Judge Eddie Treviño. He suggested that Tad Hasse would be available and he would be a morale booster because Tad never fails to remind me that Trump is the greatest human to walk earth since Jesus Christ.

"Hasse appeared an hour later and we exited through a back door. I estimate that there were at least 10,000 people, those individuals who call themselves 'Voices for the Dead,' and they were chanting their familiar mantra, 'Asesino! We're not rapists! Asesino! We're not rapists! Pay back is a bitch, ain't it, puto!' I was able to contact the police chief and he sent an black SUV. Sheriff Omar Lucio ordered the Reyna brothers to serve as security."

City Commissioner Ben Neece, a close friend of Hasse, said his longtime buddy was so nauseated by Trump that he is leaving the Republican Party and is calling himself an Independent, but in the November elections he is voting for Biden. He described Trump as an animal disguised as a human being. He only wanted to talk about the size of his penis and the number of women he had laid during his lifetime.

"When they were in the vehicle, he demanded that Tad look at the size of his hands," explained Neece. "'Do you know what big hands mean?' Trump asked Tad. 'It means that I have a member so big that I would make Lebron James jealous. We're not being taped, are we? Good. Do you know that these hands are magical? They say that Midas had the golden touch. I merely grab a woman by her pussy and it's like electricity shooting through her body. I cannot connect them to my plug quick enough.'"

According to Neece, based on Hasse's account, Trump kept asking if he was in Brownsville or Matamoros. He said that he might have to build a wall farther north, perhaps stretching from Corpus Christi to Laredo in order to halt the brown throngs from diluting the white population. 

"He asked Hasse if he knew any chicks because he could sure use a quickie," said Neece. "He confessed that he hadn't had sex since he became president because Melania feared that he would infect her. She is raining a series of 'I told you sos' since she has come down with COVID-19, which she claims was a result of accompanying him on his official duties."

Tad related that after 15 minutes Trump wanted to return to the hospital. He had seen photos of Guatemala and Honduras that were more appealing than Brownsville sites. When Tad informed the president that Brownsville was known throughout the world as The Third World of the United States, Trump shook his head and complained that he could never make America great again if the country was going to turn brown instead of remaining white.

"Tad brought him through the back entrance," stated Dr. Pangloss. "I wanted to put him in a wheel chair, but he said no. He wanted to know if I had ordered his tacos. I replied no, but that I would send someone. We were making our way down the corridor when one of the nurses was passing us. You know what the son-of-a-bitch did? He reached down and grabbed her by her private parts. I was going to register my indignation, but he joke and chuckled, 'I could cut your throat with a scalpel right now and nobody would say anything. And historians think that Stalin and Hitler had power. Nobody has my power and don't you forget it, Dr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is. And by the way, are you even an American citizen?'"

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